A Diary of a Lifeless Soul

Why do people make a diary? Why do they need to write down on a piece of notebook all their activities in a day? Cannot they just pass the day without writing whatever happened and throw these unnecessary events of life?

          Well at first, I took it as a joke writing or inventing my own diary. For me, it is just a waste of time doing this stuff most specially that I, and let me include my classmates, we as student nurses, have a lot of requirements and reports to focus on and we don’t have any silly time in writing down all the things happened to us for a whole day. We know, or may I say, I know that I can only include these words in my daily living as student, “What a stressful day! Good night!”

            And I was shocked, same as the others, that we need to submit a day-by-day entry journal as a part of our requirement in preparation for ourselves to be exposed into psychiatric hospitals. How can a journal or diary help us in overcoming anxieties towards our exposure into the world of lifeless souls of psychotics and in understanding their inconceivable way of thinking?

            Well after few days of writing all the things I did for a day, I came to realized this was really helpful. How it became helpful? First, when we had our self-awareness activity wherein we needed to answer this, “Who am I?” After the activity, I don’t know what pulled me off to grab my journal and write everything including my emotions which were rare for me. But I began to love it.

            They say we need to include our thoughts and emotions for the day even without any unusual events happened. As I read my diary, it is full of emotions towards my family most specially about my late father whom I always remember every time I wasn’t preoccupied of anything such as school stuffs and imagining things (in a positive way) and my mother who always brag in and out of our house about money and how I hate and love her at the same time. My mother cannot bestow me what my father can give me before. But if there is one thing I realized during my tie with my diary is that I was too harsh to her in demanding such things which I already know that her income is three times less than my father’s income before. I always say it was because of my so-called middle child syndrome and it was indeed the reason, I am always jealous of my siblings because of the attention my mother is giving them. She always attends to their needs in just a click, means if they want it now then she will give it immediately while I needed to persuade her more and always remind her all the things I wanted. But after a while with my diary, I now understand that there is nothing to be jealous of, instead it is only a part of the hundreds of trials that a family faced and may face in the future. All that a family should do is to value and understand each other.

          Half or three quarters of the content of my diary is all about thoughts, thoughts about life, personalities, issues, undefined people and the other face of the world. I love to become a rather free writer who can speak out her mind without considering all the wrong grammars and I want to make my own sufferings in making story into something, perhaps a book anyone can able to read. I became fond of reading series books like Harry Potter series and Chronicles of Narnia series in which I am already left out of age to read those books. I want to enhance my ability and knowledge in making such great books like that of my favorite series books.

            But there is one writer who stands out the most who make me believe that anyone can manipulate other people to their deepest soul and attest their faith to the One who create us all. One of his greatest invention that let all the Christians burned their minds and soul and corrupted their hearts was the novel, The Da Vinci Code. Well who would want to believe that Jesus Christ has an heir with no other than the most controversial personality in Christianity, the prostitute Mary Magdalene. I, myself, was attested by this novel, but what I learned is if you have put all your faith in Him and you know how to separate fiction from truth, then you know to yourself that no matter what you may identify which will break your soul into pieces, you will still be a son of God.

            In this diary, I poured all my emotions, from happiness to anger. I relieved my pains and sufferings through this diary which became my partner in crime in all the unnecessary feelings I have. I shouted in silence all my thoughts in life from regressions to suppressions of memories. I can now answer all the questions above. People have a lot hideous secrets, unwanted memories, irascible moments and undefined emotions and they used this simple notebook to keep intact with these magnificent memories. Now, I go back to it and read it, I am laughing at myself because it is really reflected in there who I am and my miserable yet laugh-out-loud “kadramahan ng buhay.”

LETTERS....

Another activity was done in our self awareness. Another bunch of words were express once more. Another outlets of feelings was poured down and revelations intensifies the pains of knowing what other people see through us.

Criticisms and judgments were once witnessed again by the innocent ears. But the good thing is, no one cries though I must admit I was very nervous on every detail that they blurt 'cause I'm actually at the bottom of the deepest secret ever. This activity once proved again the worth of friendship and trust with each other as well as cooperation and open communication that alleviates the moods of everyone. I must admit I wasn't able to defend myself from the negative comments but I myself already knew these so there's nothing to defend.

This activity showered us with the words of everyone in the group. It seems that this activity really challenges the strength and power of the bond of friendship as well as to break through oneself. But yes, we needed to accept every little word that we threw to each other because it is not enough that you know yourself, you can be better if you know what other people think and knows about you. We do things consciously and unconsciously thus we may not know every action that we do without listening to other. Consider them and don't disregard them, but it's up to you how you interpreted these painful revelations but I believe this will make you more stronger and way more better person.

Let me tell first what are those positive point of views of beloved people. First, I am PATIENT. Of course I am patient, why? 'Cause of these beloved laptop of mine where I am actually typing at the moment all these ridiculous, hilarious dramas of my life, it always log you know. But the truth is that I never expected to be a patient person 'cause I EASILY LOOSE CONTROL MY ANGER and that is one of their dislikes, and at the same time, I'm actually shocked that no one pointed out that I'm MOODY! I will tell you at once why am I like this at the bottom of this post. Second, I'm EASY TO DEAL WITH, KIND, HUMBLE, GENEROUS, FUN, JOLLY, RELIABLE and DISCIPLINED. Well I don't exactly know why I'm this kind of person, but maybe it occurs naturally to a person like the ones who told me these attitudes. One attitude cannot be reasoned out because this what you really are. Third one, RESPONSIBLE. I don't know but I'm not really that responsible enough because I only act upon instinct and worst, last minute work. But I must say that yes I'm responsible, why? Because I treated myself as an independent person when it comes to personal life and decision makings but as of now, not financially. Maybe if you give credit with all these posts, well just kidding. And the most shocking one that I myself don't even know if it's true, I have a SOFT-ANGEL VOICE! Well that's a first, I always thought my voice was like godzilla or gorilla because of the high pitch of my tone. And above all the positive comments I like, is being a TRUSTWORTHY PERSON THAT CAN EASILY BE TRUSTED WITH SECRETS. Well let just say I'm like this because I learned the ART OF SILENCE AND LISTENING. I will further explain this to you later.

Now we go to the negative comments that I've received in which I've already mention the first one. Second, INSISTING WHAT I WANT AND KNOW EVEN SOMETIMES WHAT I KNOW IS WRONG. Well sometimes we can be like this especially when it comes to defending yourself and even if you are a competitive person. But I never become competitive, I actually give way to those people I knew that deserves more than I do. But I accepted this and try to think first before saying. And this is actually in correlation with the third dislike which is, DON'T PROPOSE ANYTHING THAT IS DOUBTFUL AND IMPOSSIBLE, PUT YOUR WORDS INTO ACTIONS. Well maybe sometime, I can think of more something very unusual and mysterious then I can put them into actions, just kidding. And the last and best negative comment ever that even I, myself knew from the very start, BE OPEN! EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS FREELY AND TELL IT TO ANYONE!

Yes, I am a CLOSE PERSON and I want to take this privilege to tell you why. The whole story started when I was in 3rd grade elementary. I was sick that day but I'd choose to go to school rather than absenting myself just because of this silly colds and fever. During the recess time, I am with my "friends" but that snack time turned to be the MOST DISASTROUS, SADDEST EVENT OF MY LIFE that humiliated and cause TO LOSE MY TRUST to every single person in the world including my parents. They talked about me whisper to whisper looking straightly in my eyes and I suspected that they are really talking about me. I got mad, went back to the classroom and everything seemed to be dark that I cannot see a single person, then they came. The bundle of friends whom I thought to be my real friends were actually grasping and looking anxious that their dearest friend was really sick. And right through there, I heard them clearly and saying, "CAN WE JUST BE HER FRIEND AGAIN!" SAPUL! What do you expect me to do? Accept that bitch offer? I AM NOT YET INSANE, MURDERERS OF FEELINGS! 

And that is were all began of the attitude of keeping silence. I choose this behavior because I'm afraid that this will happen again. Yes the ART OF SILENCE teach me to observe, criticize and judge silently until they will be the one to ask me. I've never trusted people again and stayed quiet even though I want to tell the world he/she is the dirtiest person! I don't wan't to hurt and I don't want to be hurt. But in high school I learned to be more open, but still I select what I say and not to tell everything and trusted people more. Up until now, but the difference is that I tell all my irritations and frustrations about a certain person to another person and not directly to that person. That's why I lack communication and this where complications started . And that is exactly the IRONY of everything. I don't want people to talk about me behind my back so I stayed silent but I myself is doing talking about other people to other behind their backs. Only because I cannot already keep silent and I'm bursting out of anger already. But I can do to remain silent then I will. But let me thank this ART OF SILENCE because I also learned to keep secrets.

I hope my friends will understand this. I have my fears that's why I remain a CLOSE PERSON. But I'll try my best to be more open now. Let me thank you for all the likes and dislikes, because if it's not because of these then I cannot improve myself. I know WHO I AM, but NOW, I know MORE WHO I AM!

WHO AM I?

Who am I? A question most frequently asked to people, maybe a million times already since they've entered high school but still they don't know the answer to it.

This essay that they let us work with is really worth relieving. Why? Because through this compositions, we became aware of who we really are. You may know yourself now but you can know yourself more. This group activity so called "SELF-AWARENESS" let us overcome our fears and limitations. 

The group opened up lots of things most of it were hidden stories behind those happy-go-lucky faces. Damn it! I still do not want to realize I really cried because of this stupid activity. But my friends unconsciously get into the bottom of my heart and shed tears. The precious tears that I had once again run through my face 'cause the moment this activity started, I know tears will freely flow through my pink cheeks and make this cheeks suffer from wiping them. Most of them told story that relates to their family most specially towards their parents. I pity them and feel sorry for them because never once in my life that I saw my parents fight just because of pest cockroach, dirty frogs and life-threatening social climbers! I cried when they began telling about what they really feel towards these issues in their family because I've never experienced what they feel and why I shed tears. If only I could do anything to make them feel better but all I can do is listen to them and cry along with them.

Why is it that you need to have a cockroach in the pocket if you already have a couple lice on your head? Why do a person still need to look for other bitches if they already have the best bitch yet lovable person in their lives? Is temptation the reason for this? Or the love just faded away? Like one of them said, "para bang nakikisama na lang sila sa isa't isa dahil sa amin na mga anak nila at hindi na dahil may love pa sa kanilang dalwa." A lot of things to tell, but like what our teacher said, lets' leave everything in this classroom of whatever heard here will remain here and in our hearts. What's important now is you know that you have friends already who know your secrets and from now, they will be the first one to rely on if the worst will come over again.

I may also want to tell you that I cried because my own personality still don't realize why she's very insecure towards her siblings. I cannot really tell why but before, I'm like air who cannot be seen by other people, instead they just breath without even realizing that they may also have life to protect. I cried because of my father whom I consider to be my closest and best friend. He is the only one that let me do my thing. Maybe its true that they thought I'm being already an independent person, but I still want them to guide me. But that's before, now I grew up and grow more because of this people who is around me now.

Another special advice from our teacher is to "STUDY HARD." This is for us to know what's best and lighten up and give advice to people who intend to hurt an innocent heart in which this innocent heart only wants a true and unbreakable love that no one can defy. I need to study hard to loosen up my heart in my MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME and look to be the best in all best things.

A simple advice to everyone. Whatever you're facing now, problem with hearts or injuries, do the best decisions that you can make. In this we will not be frustrated towards ourselves. Try to make your journals or right something on a blank sheet of paper or you can try what I'm doing now, typing and feeling the freedom of speech!