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Well at first, I took it as a joke
writing or inventing my own diary. For me, it is just a waste of time doing
this stuff most specially that I, and let me include my classmates, we as
student nurses, have a lot of requirements and reports to focus on and we don’t
have any silly time in writing down all the things happened to us for a whole
day. We know, or may I say, I know that I can only include these words in my
daily living as student, “What a
stressful day! Good night!”
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And I was shocked, same as the others,
that we need to submit a day-by-day entry journal as a part of our requirement
in preparation for ourselves to be exposed into psychiatric hospitals. How can
a journal or diary help us in overcoming anxieties towards our exposure into
the world of lifeless souls of psychotics and in understanding their
inconceivable way of thinking?
Well after few days of writing all
the things I did for a day, I came to realized this was really helpful. How it
became helpful? First, when we had our self-awareness activity wherein we
needed to answer this, “Who am I?” After
the activity, I don’t know what pulled me off to grab my journal and write
everything including my emotions which were rare for me. But I began to love
it.
They say we need to include our
thoughts and emotions for the day even without any unusual events happened. As
I read my diary, it is full of emotions towards my family most specially about
my late father whom I always remember every time I wasn’t preoccupied of
anything such as school stuffs and imagining things (in a positive way) and my
mother who always brag in and out of our house about money and how I hate and
love her at the same time. My mother cannot bestow me what my father can give
me before. But if there is one thing I realized during my tie with my diary is
that I was too harsh to her in demanding such things which I already know that
her income is three times less than my father’s income before. I always say it
was because of my so-called middle child syndrome and it was indeed the reason,
I am always jealous of my siblings because of the attention my mother is giving
them. She always attends to their needs in just a click, means if they want it
now then she will give it immediately while I needed to persuade her more and
always remind her all the things I wanted. But after a while with my diary, I
now understand that there is nothing to be jealous of, instead it is only a
part of the hundreds of trials that a family faced and may face in the future.
All that a family should do is to value and understand each other.
Half or three quarters of the
content of my diary is all about thoughts, thoughts about life, personalities,
issues, undefined people and the other face of the world. I love to become a
rather free writer who can speak out her mind without considering all the wrong
grammars and I want to make my own sufferings in making story into something,
perhaps a book anyone can able to read. I became fond of reading series books
like Harry Potter series and Chronicles of Narnia series in which I am already
left out of age to read those books. I want to enhance my ability and knowledge
in making such great books like that of my favorite series books.
But there is one writer who stands
out the most who make me believe that anyone can manipulate other people to
their deepest soul and attest their faith to the One who create us all. One of
his greatest invention that let all the Christians burned their minds and soul
and corrupted their hearts was the novel, The Da Vinci Code. Well who would
want to believe that Jesus Christ has an heir with no other than the most controversial
personality in Christianity, the prostitute Mary Magdalene. I, myself, was
attested by this novel, but what I learned is if you have put all your faith in
Him and you know how to separate fiction from truth, then you know to yourself
that no matter what you may identify which will break your soul into pieces,
you will still be a son of God.
In this diary, I poured all my
emotions, from happiness to anger. I relieved my pains and sufferings through
this diary which became my partner in crime in all the unnecessary feelings I
have. I shouted in silence all my thoughts in life from regressions to suppressions
of memories. I can now answer all the questions above. People have a lot
hideous secrets, unwanted memories, irascible moments and undefined emotions
and they used this simple notebook to keep intact with these magnificent
memories. Now, I go back to it and read it, I am laughing at myself because it
is really reflected in there who I am and my miserable yet laugh-out-loud “kadramahan
ng buhay.”
