My Existence.... I AM LOST.....

Why do I live? Why do I breathe? Why do I have a life? Why do I exist?

        These are some questions that filled my mind about my existence. I have been finding answers to these questions since I watched one of my favorite anime in history, Naruto. Naruto exist to protect his friends and comrades. He lives and breathes for his beloved country and his ready to sacrifice himself and face death for the people who have once hated him. Now I have watched again a certain Korean drama, The Wind that Winter Blows, asking the same questions I have. Why do I exist? Why do I live? Why do I breathe? The male character, Oh Soo played by Jo In Sung, said he lives without any particular reasons until he met the sister of his friend who shares the same name as his, Oh Young played by Song Hye Kyo. As the story goes, he fell in love unexpectedly with the blind Oh Young and he wanted to live because of her but Oh Young wanted to die because she felt burden from the society and that she doesn’t trust anyone due to the real intentions of the people around her, to get money. Oh Young started wanting to live because of Oh Soo who she wanted to see badly with her own visions. And the story ended happily.

         Now, I am asking myself, is that what I need? Love? But what love do I need? Love from my family or love of a special someone? Is that really a reason to live? But what about Naruto? He lives for his friends, comrades and people who hated him. Do I also need to live because of my friends that I wanted to protect them to the extent of sacrificing myself?

         I don’t have any answers as of now. Why? Because I am completely lost. I do not know myself anymore. I do not know the real direction of my life, my real dream, my real goal, and my real life. Why do I know these things? It’s because I know I needed to study harder but still I lack as manifested by all the failures in my examinations most especially in our review or competency appraisal in the review center. I know to myself that all I need to do is to study harder and motivate myself to aim high scores. But I couldn’t explain why I still lack. What do I need to do better? I should be encouraged enough to study harder because of the low scores I have but I still lack. What is the reason? Well I do have one.

         I think the reason is because I do not know the reason of my life, of why I exist in this world. Sometimes, I thought of meeting someone in the street who can change me and make me want to live and be the reason of my existence. But I again ask myself, is my family not enough to be my reason of existence, to be my inspiration in life? Is my father who’s in the hand of the Lord now and the Lord Himself not enough to be my strength and power to live? I do not know.

        I am lost. My mind and heart tells me there is something missing in my life despite of the presence of my family, the sacrifices of my parents, and the guidance of the Lord. There is something that I need to push me to my limits and to study harder and live longer. There is something that is missing in my existence, in my life. Though I do not know what that thing is, I know I need to study to repay the sacrifices of my parents and family. And though I do not know why I exist, I know that I need to finish these stories in my mind and reveal it to the world. And one day, I pray to find that thing or that thing finds me. 

Prisoners of Darkness

                When a person without any presence of illness or disability closes his or her eyes, darkness fill in his or her vision. A person who is trapped in a world where no light can be seen and only the creepy coldness of darkness is far more worst than being tortured in fire (or maybe that’s what my opinion is). Imagine your life of only seeing the unlit world and never see the beauty of the world God has created. How will a person enjoy his or her life without anything to see, anything to recognize or anything to appreciate in the wondrous life a normal person may have? A prisoner of darkness, a burden to the society and a creepy individual is what a blind person is.

                I have never imagined myself to be in the state of blindness. I only began to appreciate the pain felt by a blind individual when I started watching this very beautiful Korean drama. It is lovable, funny yet a person will greatly acknowledge the drama by its story centrally focus in the worst disability of the eye. I may not be able to live if I were them, the blind people. But what drive them to still breathe despite of the fatal disability of not able to see this world are the people who still believe and love them. They still hold the hope and faith that someday they will recognize the world they once hated because of the unfairness they experienced.

                Blind individuals are scared and anxious most especially on trusting a person. How can you trust a person if you cannot even see? Individuals who can see the world are having a hard time in trusting others, how much more to individuals who cannot see? Blind persons rely on their instincts and the power of touch to determine whether a person can be trusted enough or not. They may not see you but they possess the most powerful key to identify a personality of a person, true feelings either the good ones or the bad ones. Just by touching a person or listening to the voice, they can already apprehend an individual’s inner thoughts, feelings and personality.

                That is why it’s hard to fool a blind. You may regret fooling him or her most especially if you knew that those foolish things and lies you are doing can lead to sympathy or empathy. The worst scenario can be fall in love with the person you fool in the first place. Don’t be a jerk. Learn how to respect and love blind persons because they are lovable despite of their disability because as compared to a person who have visions, blind persons can see through you without seeing your face inside the deepest soul of your heart.