My Existence.... I AM LOST.....

Why do I live? Why do I breathe? Why do I have a life? Why do I exist?

        These are some questions that filled my mind about my existence. I have been finding answers to these questions since I watched one of my favorite anime in history, Naruto. Naruto exist to protect his friends and comrades. He lives and breathes for his beloved country and his ready to sacrifice himself and face death for the people who have once hated him. Now I have watched again a certain Korean drama, The Wind that Winter Blows, asking the same questions I have. Why do I exist? Why do I live? Why do I breathe? The male character, Oh Soo played by Jo In Sung, said he lives without any particular reasons until he met the sister of his friend who shares the same name as his, Oh Young played by Song Hye Kyo. As the story goes, he fell in love unexpectedly with the blind Oh Young and he wanted to live because of her but Oh Young wanted to die because she felt burden from the society and that she doesn’t trust anyone due to the real intentions of the people around her, to get money. Oh Young started wanting to live because of Oh Soo who she wanted to see badly with her own visions. And the story ended happily.

         Now, I am asking myself, is that what I need? Love? But what love do I need? Love from my family or love of a special someone? Is that really a reason to live? But what about Naruto? He lives for his friends, comrades and people who hated him. Do I also need to live because of my friends that I wanted to protect them to the extent of sacrificing myself?

         I don’t have any answers as of now. Why? Because I am completely lost. I do not know myself anymore. I do not know the real direction of my life, my real dream, my real goal, and my real life. Why do I know these things? It’s because I know I needed to study harder but still I lack as manifested by all the failures in my examinations most especially in our review or competency appraisal in the review center. I know to myself that all I need to do is to study harder and motivate myself to aim high scores. But I couldn’t explain why I still lack. What do I need to do better? I should be encouraged enough to study harder because of the low scores I have but I still lack. What is the reason? Well I do have one.

         I think the reason is because I do not know the reason of my life, of why I exist in this world. Sometimes, I thought of meeting someone in the street who can change me and make me want to live and be the reason of my existence. But I again ask myself, is my family not enough to be my reason of existence, to be my inspiration in life? Is my father who’s in the hand of the Lord now and the Lord Himself not enough to be my strength and power to live? I do not know.

        I am lost. My mind and heart tells me there is something missing in my life despite of the presence of my family, the sacrifices of my parents, and the guidance of the Lord. There is something that I need to push me to my limits and to study harder and live longer. There is something that is missing in my existence, in my life. Though I do not know what that thing is, I know I need to study to repay the sacrifices of my parents and family. And though I do not know why I exist, I know that I need to finish these stories in my mind and reveal it to the world. And one day, I pray to find that thing or that thing finds me.