ATHENA

In the darkest place that the world have, find the gate of light . There’s a way to get out of this miserable past. You don’t need to travel across the seas of sadness. You don’t need to shed yourself in a mask to hide from the rain of tears. Drop the past in the deepest and darkest spot in your spirit. But someone ask to God, “Is it true that forgetting the past will lead you to your path of life?” And then God answered, “It’s up to you if you will turn your back on to be in your right direction.”

This is one of my many unexplainable questions to God and to myself. Actually, I’m just a plain, simple girl. A simple woman with enormous dreams. But with this generation, we cannot tell the real physiognomy of a person. People can’t determine if this person is only a simple high school student. Being me as a person is hard to introduce to other people my real personality. They easily judge by the way they see me outside and not in inside. People don’t see what’s my real feeling because they see me as a non-sense girl.

When I grew up and became a teenager, I've realized and still realizing all what I want to do in my life. I decided to spend my high school life inside the Ilocos Norte College of Arts and Trades. All the reasons of spending my high school life far from my hometown, were put in a school of failures and irritations. I set myself free by the day I graduated in elementary. The day I stepped INCAT was the day of reality. I promised to myself in front of the school that I’ll try to express what I feel and to change some of my attitudes. Changing my attitudes thus not mean I’ll be a bad girl. I’ll change my attitudes because I want to become a fighter and learn how to protect myself from crazy people and selfish students, stone-hearted, boastful and people who have narrow mind. My other purpose is that I want to prove something in myself. A thing that even me can’t explain. I want to discover what my real talent and give what they want to make them proud of me.

My intentions were not easy to fulfill in my first and second year high school. Until the right time came. When the junior high begun, I met new friends and actually after few months, I found new “kabarkadas.” They told me that they cannot understand me sometime. I’m a difficult person to understand. Sometimes I’m serious, sometimes I don’t speak, sometimes I’m different. After the JS Promenade of the 3rd year and 4th year, few days later I’ve realized that I switch in the new life that I want. All this realization was told me frankly by my friend. I want to celebrate that day because after almost 3 years, the fulfillment is mine. They told me I bacame ill-tempered and easily judge other person. I hate this personality before I’ve changed. Now, I hate myself but at least no one can harm me now that I’m more stronger. One of my friend ask me why I need to change just to become stronger. I just simply answer, Because that’s what I want in my life. It is my own decision.” And she asked me one more thing, “Is there a person that is a good girl wants to change and become a bad and naughty girl?” I answered simply, “Yes there is and that’s me.” And then different criticism that I received from my closest friends and my enemies. They didn’t know the real reason why I’m doing that. Maybe because I don’t tell them the truth but if they treat me as a real friend, they need to put effort on knowing my real personality.

The past is the darkest part of my life. Every little thing I’d remember were all sad and disappointment. I want to wipe out all bad memories but I can’t. Every time that I evoke this memories I’m killing myself. If I will be the one to portray my personality it is true that I’m “CHUBBY.” They always tease me chubby but teasing me with that “CERTAIN WORD,” it always cause my life. They don’t know because they only see my outside personality. Even my family didn’t know me. I hate confrontations. If my friends will confront each other, I’m just waiting for them to ask what is my opinion. This past few days I’ve learned to speak for myself but is not good as that. Even before, I hate this kind of confrontations because sometimes I can tell my real feelings. I don’t have that self-confidence before. I’m a down person even in front of my parents. I let them insult me even my pride and dignity down. I’m a hopeless person and don’t know the path that she will be going in the future. Even I know that there is something wrong happening inside the class I don’t speak because I’m afraid. I nearly give up my life because I’m not ready to face the truth that everybody hates me. But now its different.

I want to tell the whole world that I’m not in myself, this is not my real personality. The real me is in darkness waiting for a someone to save me. I want to tell them that what they know about me is all fake. I don’t want to be a miserable woman. I have dreams and I want to enjoy life. This is what I’m asking, freedom, happiness. I don’t like to stay in the sea of sadness and hide myself with an invisible mask and always cry. I’m tired of crying because of this depression that I feel. I’m tired of watching someone tease and tease me again and again. I’m bored with this kind of life that I have. Crying every night inside our restroom is hard to hide. Crying is all what I know to express my feelings.

Is it hard to wish this things? Every person need to be happy. Don’t be selfish and give their wishes. I have my last question for God, “Should a dangerous animal stay forever inside the cave and hide there waiting for people to realize that people shouldn’t be afraid because they don’t harm you, they want to become a friend of human being?”