LIFE IS ABOUT DECISIONS

As we grow old, there are decisions we need to make for our future. These decisions can either be the right decision or it can be the wrong one. But like in the title, life is all about making decisions. It is not about making the right decision nor making the wrong decision. It is about standing up for the decisions you make.

If you think that what you decided is the best for you and you never regret taking that decision, then no matter how rocky the road is, you will go forth and will stand by as it is the right decision for you. But if you glitch, thinks that you cannot do it and that it the most regrettable decision you have in your entire life, then you make the biggest wrong decision in life because you cannot stand the decision you make.

Now, every decision comes with great risk and great sacrifice. You will never know a decision if it is right or wrong unless you have risk or sacrifice one important thing or aspect in your life.

Take it for example, when you came of age, what is the best university for you to go for college? Of course first, the university your parents choose for you but you think that university doesn’t suits you. Second, you have a university of your choice but your parents insist that it is not the best university in your country and they do not offer the best quality education.

What will be your decision? Your parents desired university or your dream university?

What will you sacrificed? The trust of your parents as you will disobey their wish or your own trust to yourself that you can eventually prove to them that your choice is what’s best for you?

Another example, when you are choosing what major you will take for college. Your parents wanted you take any health related major such as Nursing or Biology so that eventually, they want you to pursue Medicine and become their pride as a Doctor. But then you felt Medicine wasn’t for you. You are fonder of playing with your paint brushes and sketch pads and canvasses. You wanted to become artist but your parents strongly disagree with you.

What will you decide? Your parents dream for your future or your own dream of future? Your parents will eventually try to bring your dream down as they will tell all the negative things about becoming an artist such as a little money can come out as a reward for that work and it is even not considered as a profession. They will tell you not all are successful in your dream field and will not make you enough of a future.

Can you sacrifice your dream for a better future because you know that becoming a doctor will eventually give you a lots of money and it will settle your future perfectly? Or can you sacrifice that better and perfect future your parents dream about in exchange to a more rocky and harder road of becoming successful as long as it is your dream and not someone else’s dream?

You see, like I said, there is no such thing as an easy decision. One way or another, there are external and internal considerations you have to consider. There are some important things you have to risk or sacrifice if you wanted to achieve your dreams. You may eventually regret those decisions one day, but is it not more important to follow what you desire and what you dream for yourself and your future?

Well, trust me, I am no different from those of you who are making hard decisions about the future particularly those who are working individuals who needs to sustain their families. Especially in the middle of this pandemic crisis, there is no room for selfish decisions and dreams.

I tell you, sacrificing a definite future is like an act of suicide. Who else wanted to give up a very large amount of salary in exchange to a future which holds only a 1% successful rate?

Well, that is me.

Imagine, you are offered thrice the salary you can get from your own country and then just turned it down because you wanted to enter a scholarship only with just thousands of applicants from the entire world. Take note, ENTIRE WORLD! So, you won’t only be competing with aspiring scholars from your country but from entire the world. How fascinating, isn’t it?

But this is my dream. Now, I know, I said this time is not about selfish dreams. Before I exit from Saudi Arabia, I have weighed all the consequences. Almost every night, under my blanket, I cry rivers. I have always trouble going to sleep. I tried diverting my attention by watching movies and Korean dramas after work but it made it worst.

To tell you, I am talking about the GKS or Global Korean Scholarship program. It is a fully funded scholarship (with monthly allowance worth a million won that is around 40 to 45,000 pesos) offered to all aspiring international students who wish to pursue an undergraduate or graduate degree in South Korea.

And as I said, it is INTERNATIONAL.

So the acceptance would be 1:50 successful scholar from one’s country. That is just an estimate ration. It still depends how many people knows about this scholarship and if you happen to be reading this lengthy essay, then for sure you are going to search about it. No worries, I will write a separate essay about the whole process of the GKS program.

Back to my story, before I permanently left the Arab country, I assured for an insurance. I made some back-up plans. Like I stated, the chance of getting this scholarship is like 1% only. So I applied to another job which I know it will take a long time before I could leave again the Philippines and will give me enough time to decide until the final result of the successful candidates of the scholarship is announced.

But then, this insured country even though I have a definite employer, there is a round of passing the language examination as well and you had to take 8-10 months to complete the whole language program. So I thought, another big risk but at least with definite employer in the end. At least, I just had to focus on studying the language.

My third insurance, go back to Saudi Arabia. Well, at first I don’t really like working in an Arab country because of some scary stories but when I was there, I saw the value of money and earning much to support my family. So if ever that those first two plans I had fails, then going back to Saudi Arabia would be the best decision.

After I submitted my papers to South Korea, countless nights filled with anxiety came along. The University of my choosing emailed me for an interview and after a day, I had my interview. It didn’t actually went that way I wanted. The department head of Nursing interviewed me, and no matter how kind she was, I was anxious. Some of the questions I answered perfectly with two outstanding questions I thought I failed to give and answer she wanted to hear.

Why my CGPA was low, was there any reason?

I knew well why my grades were not that outstanding during college. And I answered it with full honesty. My father died and he was the main reason why I took Nursing. I had a hard time coping up. But what I wasn’t able to answer was there were numerous times I thought Nursing wasn’t for me, that this profession was not my calling. I thought a lot of time dropping out the major and start another one. Then as time came, I graduated in Nursing.

Another tricky question, how do I diffuse about evidence-based practice?

I blocked out. I knew what evidence-based practice is but I just didn’t knew what to answer. I totally forgot what it was. Then I just answered briefly, through practicing in clinical setting. That was it. Then suddenly she asked, did you practice evidence-based practices? I blocked out again and just answered NO!

I thought that was it. I won’t be accepted. I have a slim chance of getting accepted. Anxiety day and night filled me. I am always thinking in advance. What if I won’t pass, what is next?

Then the results of first round came around April 30. My heart raced fast as I open the email and it trembles me a lot.

I PASSED THE FIRST ROUND!

That was the most thrilling part of my life.  I hoped 50% I will pass, another half percent I won’t. But I continuously prayed to God. This has been my target for a year. Because of this, I had a clear vision of what I want for myself in the future. After 6 years after graduating in college, I had another dream.  I have pictured myself for who I want to be and this is want I want to be. And I thanked God, He listened to me.

But then again, I was conflicted for another couple of sleepless nights with anxiety. While waiting for the second round of results which is slated on May 28, I had trouble making up decisions. I asked God for a sign. If my review for my German class won’t start before that date, then this scholarship is for me. A couple of days after May started, there was an update. And the date is set for our language class. It was two days before the result of GKS.

I was deeply conflicted. Was this it Lord? Are you giving me a sign I won’t get the scholarship? I do not want to think negatively but I was really troubled. I look into a lot of considerations. I prayed to God I really want to pass. I am not losing hope. But I said, if whatever the result will be, then God knows what is best for me.

I had a hard time deciding but eventually in the end, I gave up Germany. It wasn’t really for me. I only wanted to go there because the salary offer is high and that I already had an employer. You see, I know my weakness and interviews are my weakness. So I thought, if I would give up this, how possibly I can find another employer who can accept with stammered interview. But this is it, I quit. I thought there are still other opportunities.

This way, I am only focus with one goal at the moment. That is to wait for the second round of results. And I am hoping for a very good news.

To Be Continued….

LIVING IN AN UNKNOWN PLACE

 LIVING IN AN UNKNOWN PLACE

It was not really an unknown place. It is a country known for its oil industry, for its friendly economy, for its high society. But for a first timer, traveling and living in a different country 5,028 miles away from home country seemed the place is uncharted, unknown.

So, how to live in a place you barely knew? How to adapt with its culture? How do you live without pork serve in your meal to which pork is practically your daily dose of energy? How to deal with its people? How do you know this woman is not that woman because all women are wearing the traditional hijab with black long dress called abaya and niqab covering all the face except the eyes? How to adjust with the traditions and beliefs?

No one said it would be easy. It will never be easy to just stay in the country for the first time and suddenly adapt to its rules and regulations. It will give you a culture shock that is for sure. But you will adjust. You will survive.

And how do you do it?

Simple.

Be like them.

Dress like them.

Think like them.

And you will survive.

Easy to say. Yes. But it is kind of hard to execute. Well, that is if your heart is weak and do not accept and welcome any change in your life.

So, living in a different country was never easy. Your family is miles away from you. Sometimes, when you feel very down, you just wanted a console or a hug from your parents. There is video chat, yes, but the impact is different when they are physically with you at your most vulnerable time rather than just chatting over the phone.

Another thing, the people. There might be people of the same nationality as you, but sometimes, they were the ones who will bring you down instead of supporting you. This was when you finally learn the meaning of crab mentality among your nation. People of the same country exposing dirt about each other to know who gain more sympathy. Some of them will treat you as their real family, some will be your best friends for a lifetime, but most of them will pretend they care but they only care about issues to spread and not your well-being.

Next, people of different nationality. Who said everyone will like you? That is a lie. Well, that is at least to those like you who came from other nations who also just resides in the country and working their shit off for a living and saves money. They will smile in front of you then 1 sec after, they began blabbering about your attitude to everyone even if you are not really doing anything to them. They just don’t like you, that’s it, and they began spreading rumors to other like a wild fire. Some gets your attention, show you some kindness but after accepting their so-called generosity, they will began playing you under the table and becomes the meal. Others, you thought they have care but behind the thought of being genuine comes a silent monster who don’t really know how to respect others. It was an act of being an elder to an innocent child but then suddenly uttering hideous words to a kid with no experience at all.

Then there was a challenge among the capitol. You wake up every morning, go to work and you have to pretend you do not know anything. You observe things but you do not know whether what is real and what is not. There were hearsays but no confirmation except for those good-poised people roaming around from the highest floors down to the basement. Still, nothing was confirmed, everything were just hunches.

Another, being in country opens you to a whole new world. Works are in whole new different level than what you used to do. But the thing was, you went to this unknown place and you should know the consequences. There will be ups and downs. Experienced that three folds. There were things that would bring you to hell and that death will suddenly whisper in your ears. Experienced that too three folds. But be brave. Accept those downfalls and you will find a way to go uphill once again. If you’re a Christian or Catholic, pray to God. If you’re a Muslim, pray to Allah. If you’re an atheist, then convince yourself you can survive on your own. There are more than a million ways to conquer the fear and stop the downfalls. You just got to be brave. Dying maybe a fast solution but it will never bring yourself back, nor even your dreams, your future.

Living in an unknown place is scary. Fear will totally cover you. You do not know what kind of things you may experience. You do not know what kind of future you will have in that place. Your experience might bring you disaster, or it may bring you fortune. This place might deliver you to your lowest self, or it may deliver you to your highest. There is no surety how you will survive, if you will survive. But there is one thing you can be sure of. Living in an unknown place will teach you a lot more than books can teach you. It will shape you as to who you what to be. It will help you find the path you long to find or the path you lost and wanted to walk at it again.

GOODBYE 2020, HELLO 2021!

 Forgetting the pain of the past year.

Just forget everything and move on.

An easy statement to utter but really hard to do no matter how much you wanted it to happen.

Forgetting will never be easy. The pain. The scar. The wound. They maybe bare in front of everyone’s eyes but they are engrave in the deepest of one’s memory.

There are things that are just hard to forget. You may forget it temporarily but the pain of the moment will remind you of the things that you wanted to throw away. No matter how hard you try to forget, you just can’t.

As for me, I’d say if you can’t forget, then at least try to make those painful memories into life lessons. If you can’t forget the pain of the past, then make them your inspiration to be a better person than you are right now. Turn those wounded memories into healing experiences.

The year 2020 became a year full of fear and anxiety because of a deadly virus. The normal environment we used to live in change. We used to smile big and wide showing our whitest of teeth but right now, the genuiness of a smile and reality of happiness only shows through our eyes already. Before, only health care workers on duty were using masks as they attend to their patients, but right now, the mask became a fashion trend in every corner of the world already. We used to gather in large groups to celebrate special occasions of our love ones without thinking of anything but just to have fun, but right now, even eating without adhering to the recommended social distancing between two people is already a big sin, and posting on social medias which we usually do to extend our celebrations and showcase our happiness through our group pictures are already forbidden.

As the year passes, as the deadly virus continued to increase, the fear and anxiety of people increases, most if not all. Protocols, rules and regulations were imposed in every country to fight off and prevent the rapid spread of the virus. The crisis changes the people and the society. Though some  still are not afraid of the aftermath of the deadly memory, people followed the necessary precautions because of fear and for the safety of their families.

In this year, the pandemic crisis is already engrave in everyone’s heart. A lot of innocenct people lost their lives. A lot of families lost their members. Our frontliners most specially our health care providers sufferred the most this year with sleepless nights and heavy duties. The pain brought by this crisis will forever remain in our hearts. We may tend to forget it as time goes by but history will make us remember the sufferings we wanted to throw away.

The memory of this crisis may never leave us but instead of crying over the pain of remembering the past, let us make this as a lesson to improve the health care system and prepare ourselves for any kind of crisis we may face in the future. Let us make our past a long lasting experience that taught us to become a stronger and wiser person.

As a personal ending note for this year, aside from the fear of fighting this pandemic crisis and serving the sick as a health care frontliner, this year drowned me in a lot of tears. There were personal problems I have to face which I almost gave up because it became too much for me to handle. I lost my grandmother and was not able to go home to send her peacefully. I deeply hurt a very dear friend. I blamed myself for a lot of things other people saw as useless things. I may never forget the scar, actually, I will never forget the scar but I will look into these memories as a reminder that I can get through even the hardest of time for my dreams, for my family, for the sake of my future.

So to everyone, we survive this year, we will survive it next year. No matter how deadly this year may have been for us, we will move on and stand up to face the fear of tomorrow. We will end this year with an open heart and we may face the upcoming year with a smile and positive vibe.