AN UNEXPECTED CHANCE: SEVENTEEN BE THE SUN CONCERT

PRE-SCRIPT: IT HAS BEEN LONG TIME SINCE I WROTE THIS AND TOTALLY FORGOT TO POST, SO HERE IT IS!

AN UNEXPECTED CHANCE

October 10, 2022

Desperation was a little word to compare with the feelings of every KPOP fan of one of the most popular boy group in the Philippines, Seventeen.

For the Carats who already secured their tickets, a desperation to meet the boys immediately rises every nerve in their system. Luckily to them, the desperation was lesser because they will surely meet the guys no matter what, only a couple of hours to wait.

But luck was not with those who haven’t secured a ticket. The unlucky ones who were not able to purchase a ticket for a 2-day concert during the 3-day ticketing sale. As what everyone calls them, the TEAM LABAS.

And I was one them.

I was one of those fans who were not able to get a ticket. As for defense, I don’t really have enough budget during the ticketing sale and I was already preparing myself to leave the country. I wasn’t sure if I could wait for October to see Seventeen before leaving.

While processing my papers, I counted the days, the months I needed to fulfill my requirements of working abroad. And here’s the thing. It will be completed by the end of October or early weeks of November.

So I told myself, I will be able to witness again their concert.

During Diamond Edge, the first concert of Seventeen I attended, I was able to buy a ticket through the market place in Facebook. It was a bit pricey but not too much. During Ideal Cut, I did the same. With my little amount of money and the same desperation I had, I found a seller which I could pay the ticket during the concert date. It was a bit pricey as well but not too much.

And so, I did the same thing for Be The Sun. I was expecting I could find just at least one ticket no matter what section or seat already as long as it was within my budget. It was a 2-day concert after all.

But my luck was leaving me. The chance was leaving me. The organizers of the concert announced a sold-out ticket for the 2-day concert. I expected someone from Facebook or Twitter to sell their tickets but no one seemed to want to let go of their tickets.

A few days before the concert, some started selling their tickets. 

BUT, they were all overpriced!

Like, the Gen Ad ticket in which the original price was 2,900 became 10K. Upperbox tickets were sold for 15k-20k. Lowerbox were sold from 20k-30k.

Like, I mean, SERIOUSLY???!!!

I know how desperate Carats were to attend the concert but the scalpers seemed to be more desperate as well.

I started to lose hope.

For the first day of the concert, I was still in the province. I still had my duty at the hospital. My body was inside the hospital but my mind my flowing over the concert already.

I was desperately looking for a ticket both on Facebook and Twitter. I contacted someone on twitter selling her ticket of LBA Premium for 22K. It was pricey, double the original price, but I was desperate. But unfortunately, when she learned I was still in the province, the negotiation became a failure.

I wanted to cry but I was still hoping. I would still go to Manila without any assurance of getting a ticket but with a hope to buy one. I didn’t know if a Gen Ad ticket worth 15k would be worth it but the realization of not being able to attend the concert was scary.

Again, I was on Twitter still browsing when I came across a post stating that an hour before the concert started, the organizers began to open a few more tickets on SM ticket outlet at MOA arena. But because of the chaos happening that time at the arena, only some got the chance to buy one and enter the concert hall.

As for the scalpers roaming around the arena, they didn’t lower down their prices even to the last minute before the concert started.

When I saw that post, my hope increased a little bit. I will sacrifice everything just for that chance of getting a ticket. So I hopped inside the bus and prayed for the safety of my trip to Manila and that I may still be able to purchase a ticket.

I went to MOA arena a bit earlier, around 6:30am. Then I went to Coral Way where the supposed ticket would be available. There was a line already but I didn’t fall in line immediately because I thought that line was for those who have not yet claimed their tickets.

I messaged the one who I was negotiating with LBA premium 22k ticket but she didn’t respond. I began to lose hope once again. While sitting, I met some who doesn’t still have a ticket as well.

I started to notice the line and I thought, the line was maybe for the chance ticket. They may have lined up immediately for a more organized line than the other day. So I invited the one I got to know to fall in line. True enough, the line was indeed for the chance ticket.

So we followed the line under the super heat of the sun, not really minding if we will be barbecues at the end of the day, just to secure that chance ticket for an original price. They said they would open it at 10am but the clock ticks and 10am passed, there were still no news. We thought they might opened it at the same time they opened the other day.

Still, I didn’t lose hope. I wanted to go to the bathroom but I was afraid I might lose my position. Even if I am with someone, we were not totally friends. I slowly felt the hunger but I dismissed it. I reminded mysef the reason why I had a heavy breakfast that morning. I knew the day would be long and tiresome.

Someone from the front of the line came to us and asked us if we were able to list down our names and we were shocked. I followed only the line. There was no words of a list. Fortunately, they took us into consideration and we became the ‘the special case’.

The determination of Carats were standing tall despite the jealousy we felt while we watch the VIP Soundcheck ticket holders moved their lines and one by one, enter the arena for strapping. All we could utter was ‘Sana all. Congratulations.’ I was bitter, we were bitter, but we were not losing hope. 

Suddenly, Mr. Sunshine became shy and hid behind the darkness of clouds that covered the entire arena. It started to pour heavy rain.

But we were determined and desperate. Not even the thick rain could wither the determination and desperation.

No one broke out of the line. No one left their positions and we stood still as the heavy rains poured. My clothes became wet. My shoes became soaked with water inside and painted with dirt outside. My bag was getting wet. 

But I didn’t gave up.

I was there and I was desperate. We were all desperate to see Seventeen. And not even the strong heavy rain could stopped us.

The organizers? Don’t bother asking about them if they did something to help us. It seemed that the word ‘sympathy’ was not a part of their vocabulary. We begged them to let us in even before the sun hides but they didn’t listened. We were soaked already but they just looked at us.

Thankfully, the rain didn’t last long. But we were still soaked wet.

Some of the organizers started to run here and there and some of them pointed at us. We didn’t knew if they already learned the word ‘sympathy’ and showed us a bit of it but we chanted ‘Tickets please!’ Then a little bit minutes to 1:30pm, we saw one of the organizers talked to the one who arranged our line and listed our names.

My hope was getting high. Our hopes were getting high. Then she came down and told us to properly get our line straight and not to shout or chant. They will open the tickets 5 minutes before 2pm. We will enter by 10’s.

And even if I wanted to scream, I was overshadowed with nervousness. The fact that we might get a ticket for the concert was really overwhelming.

Then two o’clock hits the clock, the line started to move.

I was trembling, I was shaking, from hunger, from tiredness, but mostly, from excitement. But until I get inside and purchase a ticket, the fear would not leave me.

We saw the ‘ate’ girl purchased her ticket and we were all happy. We wanted to chant but because we had to maintain the orderliness, we simply congratulated her. More and more from the front of the line purchased their tickets.

My nervouseness was getting high when I reached the tent, only a few steps to the ticketing booth. I was really shaking. My hand holding the queuing paper they gave us was getting wet. I couldn’t even held my ID’s properly together.

Then, BAAMMMMMM!

I am inside!

They put a white strap on my wrist, a sign maybe to differentiate us from the regular ticket holders. Then I was already in front of the cashier and my hands were trembling while I gave the cash to pay the ticket.

Then HURRAH!!!!! I HAVE MY TICKET!!!!

I wanted to cry of excitement and happiness but I thought my tears have left my eyes already because of fear, anxiety, and tiredness. But I was really happy and glad to have purchase an original ticket at an original price for Be The Sun concert.

I really thank God for hearing my prayers and for giving me another chance to experience the most fun-filled concert I will ever had in my entire life.

There were some glitches though. That someone I got to know, Kim was her name, was short in money. Her mother who I spoke with a lot when we were outside the coral way was really nice and I really admired her for letting her daughter experience things the things I couldn’t experience myself when I was a student. So I told her, since she said that her budget was only for a Gen Ad ticket, I will let her borrow my money. Trust me I am not rich. I was also short on budget but she also deserves to see Seventeen as she is 17 years old already and preparing to get into college. Trust me when I say, Seventeen really inspires a lot of Filipino youth. I read a lot in Twitter and Facebook that many Carats are graduating with high honors. So Kim really deserves that chance to watch them. So I lend her cash to purchase the ticket. I trust her mother to pay the money so yeah.

There was another one as well. She was with us in the line since morning. She was also a student. Her money was only for a Gen Ad ticket as well. She get sunkissed, she get wet, her shoes even got ripped. I wanted to help her as well but my money was only for one person. She cried and I feel pity to her. A lot of Carats deserved to watch Seventeen live especially the students but because of the organizers, a lot were robbed from that chance. I actually hoped the organizers would take pity on her and gave her a Gen Ad ticket because she was crying already but they didn’t showed a bit of anything. I know I should be thanking the organizers for giving us a chance to buy tickets but seriously, I believe we deserved those tickets. We got sunburned under the hotness of the sun, we got soakingly wet under the heavy rain, so yes, even if it wasn’t their fault we have waited there and it was our choice to stay there, they could have shown us a bit of pity much earlier before we even experienced those things. 

Seventeen loves their fans so much that what happened during Ideal Cut was still one of the best memories I ever had during a concert. So yeah, I know, Seventeen would not let their fans suffer from that kind of treatment like the organizers treated Carats.

So I believe one day, that girl will see Seventeen again. Always praying for her since I couldn’t seem to forget her face. I didn’t know her name but I know, she’ll do everything for a chance to see Seventeen.

Once we purchased our ticket, they didn’t let us out already. I planned to go checked in first to my hotel and change clothes since I already smelled foul from travelling and lining up under the sun and then getting wet. I also felt my feet deeply soaked with water but I couldn’t removed it since it may even smelled fouler. I grabbed a cup of Iced Latté from Starbucks and got to pee already. My UTI was waving again because the fact that I was on antibiotic for my infection but I needed to withheld my urged to go to the bathroom.

We began moving by 3:30pm for another strapping then went for another line for queuing.

The shouts from outside the arena was really overwhelming. It was exciting.

Then 5pm hits the clock and they let us in.

That was how I got into Seventeen’s concert. For the entire three hours of the concert, I felt energized despite my weakened body and mind. The feeling of attending Seventeen’s concert was really unexplainable. No words could even described the feelings. All I know was I did have a lot of fun and energy for the entirety of the concert.

I promised myself when I sacrificed myself and worked abroad four years ago that once I come back to the Philippines and Seventeen will announce they will have a concert in the country, I would have enough money for a VIP standing with soundcheck and see them upclose. After all, I went to another country for a reason that I could buy all of their merchandises and albums and saved money for their concert.

But it seemed that it was not my time yet. My money always went first to my family and their needs. So I set aside Seventeen a little bit. And because of the urgency of coming home because of the fear I had from that institution, I came home with only a little bit of savings.

This time, I will fulfill my promise. This maybe was the reason why God had given me a chance to watch their concert. That I will be more determined and more desperate to save money so that in the future, my time to watch Seventeen upclose will come true.

For now, I am still on cloud nine and having that excitement I felt attending Be The Sun Manila. I will forever treasure that unexpected chance to watch them live for one last time before I again venture and work in a new environment far away from my homeland. I will surely see you again soon, Seventeen, my forever second home and family.

BRIDGERTON SEASON 2: An Honest Review

“Dearest Reader,

Did you miss me?…”

-Lady Whistledown

For those of you who are yet to watch the Bridgerton series, please do skip this post as it contains several spoilers.

For someone who have already read the entire Bridgerton book series, then I share the same sentiment with you; excitement and eagerness to see our dear Viscount Anthony Bridgerton tightened his lips against the one and only Miss Kate Sharma whose words are sharper than Lady W’s pen.

As expected from a book adaptation series, it does not exactly looked like a book adaptation. 😅 Number one on that note was the sequence of the entire story line. Although some notable scenes from the book were present, like the most anticipated Pall Mall game. For those who does not know the game, please ask Google. He will be able to provide you enough information about it.

The viscount and Miss Sharma, the elder one, did not specifically met at dawn while horse racing. They met during the first ball of the season to which I will remind you, their story took place only a year after our dearest Dapne Bridgerton secured her true love match the last season. Although there is one thing the adaptation did justice to the book, and that is the never ending, no losing, no period arguments between the two. 

Kate and Edwina’s surname was never Sharma but the show still found a way to incorporate their real surname from the book, Sheffield. Lady Danburry was never the Sharma’s sponsor for their return to Mayfair. But well, considering the show’s eagerness to display deep affection among the ton, it was just right to let her sponser them.

Newton, the corgi dog, I hoped he was more playful in the show. After all, he was a very playful dog in the book. The river scene happened at a later episode in the show but that scene was actually at the first part of the book and that started the Anthony and Kate’s hate/love relationship. This part was where Anthony began to have lust dreams about dear Kate.

The Aubrey Hall country party was indeed became the turning point on Anthony and Kate’s relationship. Like stated above, the Pall Mall game with Kate securing the mallet of death deepened the bickering of the two who never wanted to admit defeat. The execution of the game is the best in the show, it’s my favorite part of the show actually. Though it was a bit sad, our Duke of Hastings was not in the show as he was supposed to be in the book accompanying his Daphne.

The library scene was even more intense and emotional in the book than in the show. It was actually the real turning point on their relationship. The viscount saw the one and only weakness of the woman he desires the most. Storm give Kate the fears of a child whose mother died on a rainy and thunderous night. They gradually opened with each other.

And the next scene, the bee sting. The fear of a man whose father died of a bee sting. Anthony, worried, tried to extract the sting on Kate’s bosom, and soiree! The mothers witnessed the respected viscount’s hand on a lady’s bosom. The scandal!

This was actually the thing I was looking forward to a lot in the adaptation but it seems, the production decided to turn the whole story line into a love triangle between two sisters and one man. This is the biggest difference of the book and show. 

I was hoping they would not exaggerate a love triangle but they just did. Edwina was never in love with the viscount. She preferred a scholar who love books and not ledgers. Although both in the book and in the show, Anthony was really set to marry Edwina as she is the diamond of the first water and fits all the viscount is looking for a wife, except, of course, true love. That is totally out of his equation.

The bee sting scene was supposed to be Anthony and Kate’s engagement. But it turned out different. Instead, they let Anthony proposed to Edwina and even let the innocent girl fall in love with him. This caused a major reap between the sisters’ relationship. But I do think our show’s dear writers wanted to emphasize the bond of sisterhood. In the name of love, trust between sisters will never fade. 

Well, in the end, despite the differences of the book and the show, they manage to reveal the deep emotions of both persons who, above all else, will do anything for their families. That above all else, before their desires for one another, the importance of the family shall still comes first. And in the end, it is still a happy ending.

The entire series also showed some parts that were never in the book and there were parts that were mentioned in other books. A great example, Lady Whistledown’s identity. It was not known until the 4th book where Colin Bridgerton finally decides to find a suitable wife after his travels from Greece. Penelope Featherington was indeed a total wallflower whose existence was never of notice even in front of Colin. But in Romanticizing Mr. Bridgerton, PoLin’s stans win. Also, Eloise Bridgerton was the last person to know the identity of Lady W because when Colin and Pen announced her identity, she was off somewhere else. If you want to know where, please read the book. El was never the first one to know the truth. Although in the show, it was Madam Delacroix who identified Lady W’s identity first. Well, she was never in the books.

In total, the whole series is still a big success despite the difference in the sequence of the story line in the book and in the show. The actors gave justice to all the characters specially Viscount Anthony Bridgerton.

So for all who have yet to watch the show, embrace yourselves with slow burning romance between the Viscount and Miss Sharma. Enjoy the unending bickering and playfulness of the Bridgerton siblings. I do hope I will see more of Francesca in the next season since she will making her debut as well.

GOING SEVENTY! SAY THE NAME!

Pre-script: Late upload. Composed this few months ago... 

GOING SEVENTY!!!

Okay, so here's the catch.

I think I have written an essay about my journey slipping into the diamond life of Seventeen. I stanned them knowing someday, they will all be making a very big decision that might change their future and the group's future.

And I did said no matter what decisions they make, I will wholeheartedly accepts it.

The fact that Seventeen has 13 members, few individual activities until recently, each member opening up their instagram accounts and being active here and there, I thought the toughest decision must be coming near. After all, only a year away before the Kpop jinx comes into effect.

I had always adored Seventeen's friendship and bond. Even though at times when watching their reality show 'Going Seventeen', I thought one or two members must be deeply hurt inside when the other members teased them. I thought, at one point, that bond would wore out and reached its limits.

Remember how I wrote in my first essay I wanted to see how far can their rings bring them together and their bond bring them to the future even beyond their idol image; I knew back then, I was hoping more. I was hoping that everything about their rings and bonds were not mere company business.

As I watched them everyday, my hope is seeing light. I started to trust their trusts for each other.

Like I said before, I am a second generation fan. My greatest heartbreak was Jessica leaving Girls Generation so suddenly that I lost focus during my Nursing review days. So is 2NE1 being on long hiatus and suddenly, Minzy left the group then a year after, the total disbandment of the group. 

For the case of 2NE1, I knew from the very start the disbandment would come. But more than the disbandment, I looked into how they would still be together and treat each other as sisters.

AND I WASN'T WRONG.

THE 2NE1 MEMBERS DID HAVE A STRONGER BOND BEYOND THEIR GROUP'S NAME AND FAME.

Everytime I saw their mini interactions and still celebrating their debut anniversary each year, I am astounded. You can agree or disagree with me on this but you can't deny YG is one of the best company to let their previous artists who left the company but can still use their fame and their original group's name no matter what they do and where they do it.

As for SNSD, I am still happy that they also celebrates their anniversary despite three members leaving SM but it will never be the same. I am happy for an OT8 but I will be happier if it is an OT9. No matter how I try to understand, it seemed Jessica was never been there in the first place. A lot may get angry on me with this one but seeing them celebrating it together as 8 members and the members only mentioning Girls Generation as 8 membered group, I can't help but be sad and the same time, mad. Up until now and even maybe in the future, I would never know the reason why SNSD never mentions her already.

Then another heartbreak in the midst of the pandemic, the group I never imagined would disband, disbanded. 

And yes, I am talking about GFRIEND. 

They were immensely popular, they were part of HYBE, they've been very active together before the news broke out. Then suddenly, Weverse announced, GFRIEND is disbanding. 

I still don't know the reason behind, I thought they have big plans coming up, then BUDDIES were devastated APPLE would be the last title track.

After GFriend's disbandment, I grew anxious about Seventeen's future. After all, GFriend was considered as Seventeen's sister. What if 'Ready to Love' would also be the last one?

I admit I wasn't ready. I thought I would be ready no matter what, but it seemed I wasn't. 

Then suddenly Weverse notified, 'ALL 13 MEMBERS RE-SIGNED THEIR CONTRACT'. 

I HAD TO ACTUALLY READ IT THRICE. 

Weverse could have use other terms rather than RE-SIGN. Every English Carat like me really interpreted this in a whole different meaning before we finally understood it. 

Weverse, I beg you, next time please use RENEW!

But despite the confusion, I was greatly relieved when I read the whole article. The decision was unanimous. They even renewed their contract a year before its expiration. And the biggest flex, THE ORIGINAL LINE-UP IS THE SAME!

Not many groups, even they have renewed their contracts, the line up were not the same especially in a group with 13 members. You would predict at least one or two would drop out, BUT NO ONE DID WITH SEVENTEEN. 

In this, I trust their trust with each other. As a fan, and a friend, I am very delighted to hear more 'SAY THE NAME'! I am very happy to hear more of their music, watch more of their variety shows. I can still hope for more SCoups' sulking, care and leadership, Jeonghan's brain and cheating methods, Joshua's Sunday morning version, Jun's endless 1+1 agenda, Hoshi's unending Horanghae meetings, Wonu's specs that never fails to drop during practice video, Woozi's universefactory, Mingyu and Seungkwan's as well as Dino and Seungkwan's constant bickering, The8's eye catching fashion, and Vernon's attractive MEME faces.

Cheer's to a fascinating and bright future for Seventeen. To everyone, do not be afraid. Just slip into diamond life and trust in Seventeen's bond, you'll never regret it.

To Seventeen, thank you for being an inspiration and to your continuous trust to Carats. The path will not always be flowery and heaven, it will also be rocky and hell. But, no matter what path will that it be, Carats will always be with you walking that path. You will feel tired, exhausted, but always remember, you are doing well. Rest if you had to, we will not demand. Instead, we will patiently wait for you. 

Until to the LAST, SAY THE NAME! 

LIFE IS ABOUT DECISIONS

As we grow old, there are decisions we need to make for our future. These decisions can either be the right decision or it can be the wrong one. But like in the title, life is all about making decisions. It is not about making the right decision nor making the wrong decision. It is about standing up for the decisions you make.

If you think that what you decided is the best for you and you never regret taking that decision, then no matter how rocky the road is, you will go forth and will stand by as it is the right decision for you. But if you glitch, thinks that you cannot do it and that it the most regrettable decision you have in your entire life, then you make the biggest wrong decision in life because you cannot stand the decision you make.

Now, every decision comes with great risk and great sacrifice. You will never know a decision if it is right or wrong unless you have risk or sacrifice one important thing or aspect in your life.

Take it for example, when you came of age, what is the best university for you to go for college? Of course first, the university your parents choose for you but you think that university doesn’t suits you. Second, you have a university of your choice but your parents insist that it is not the best university in your country and they do not offer the best quality education.

What will be your decision? Your parents desired university or your dream university?

What will you sacrificed? The trust of your parents as you will disobey their wish or your own trust to yourself that you can eventually prove to them that your choice is what’s best for you?

Another example, when you are choosing what major you will take for college. Your parents wanted you take any health related major such as Nursing or Biology so that eventually, they want you to pursue Medicine and become their pride as a Doctor. But then you felt Medicine wasn’t for you. You are fonder of playing with your paint brushes and sketch pads and canvasses. You wanted to become artist but your parents strongly disagree with you.

What will you decide? Your parents dream for your future or your own dream of future? Your parents will eventually try to bring your dream down as they will tell all the negative things about becoming an artist such as a little money can come out as a reward for that work and it is even not considered as a profession. They will tell you not all are successful in your dream field and will not make you enough of a future.

Can you sacrifice your dream for a better future because you know that becoming a doctor will eventually give you a lots of money and it will settle your future perfectly? Or can you sacrifice that better and perfect future your parents dream about in exchange to a more rocky and harder road of becoming successful as long as it is your dream and not someone else’s dream?

You see, like I said, there is no such thing as an easy decision. One way or another, there are external and internal considerations you have to consider. There are some important things you have to risk or sacrifice if you wanted to achieve your dreams. You may eventually regret those decisions one day, but is it not more important to follow what you desire and what you dream for yourself and your future?

Well, trust me, I am no different from those of you who are making hard decisions about the future particularly those who are working individuals who needs to sustain their families. Especially in the middle of this pandemic crisis, there is no room for selfish decisions and dreams.

I tell you, sacrificing a definite future is like an act of suicide. Who else wanted to give up a very large amount of salary in exchange to a future which holds only a 1% successful rate?

Well, that is me.

Imagine, you are offered thrice the salary you can get from your own country and then just turned it down because you wanted to enter a scholarship only with just thousands of applicants from the entire world. Take note, ENTIRE WORLD! So, you won’t only be competing with aspiring scholars from your country but from entire the world. How fascinating, isn’t it?

But this is my dream. Now, I know, I said this time is not about selfish dreams. Before I exit from Saudi Arabia, I have weighed all the consequences. Almost every night, under my blanket, I cry rivers. I have always trouble going to sleep. I tried diverting my attention by watching movies and Korean dramas after work but it made it worst.

To tell you, I am talking about the GKS or Global Korean Scholarship program. It is a fully funded scholarship (with monthly allowance worth a million won that is around 40 to 45,000 pesos) offered to all aspiring international students who wish to pursue an undergraduate or graduate degree in South Korea.

And as I said, it is INTERNATIONAL.

So the acceptance would be 1:50 successful scholar from one’s country. That is just an estimate ration. It still depends how many people knows about this scholarship and if you happen to be reading this lengthy essay, then for sure you are going to search about it. No worries, I will write a separate essay about the whole process of the GKS program.

Back to my story, before I permanently left the Arab country, I assured for an insurance. I made some back-up plans. Like I stated, the chance of getting this scholarship is like 1% only. So I applied to another job which I know it will take a long time before I could leave again the Philippines and will give me enough time to decide until the final result of the successful candidates of the scholarship is announced.

But then, this insured country even though I have a definite employer, there is a round of passing the language examination as well and you had to take 8-10 months to complete the whole language program. So I thought, another big risk but at least with definite employer in the end. At least, I just had to focus on studying the language.

My third insurance, go back to Saudi Arabia. Well, at first I don’t really like working in an Arab country because of some scary stories but when I was there, I saw the value of money and earning much to support my family. So if ever that those first two plans I had fails, then going back to Saudi Arabia would be the best decision.

After I submitted my papers to South Korea, countless nights filled with anxiety came along. The University of my choosing emailed me for an interview and after a day, I had my interview. It didn’t actually went that way I wanted. The department head of Nursing interviewed me, and no matter how kind she was, I was anxious. Some of the questions I answered perfectly with two outstanding questions I thought I failed to give and answer she wanted to hear.

Why my CGPA was low, was there any reason?

I knew well why my grades were not that outstanding during college. And I answered it with full honesty. My father died and he was the main reason why I took Nursing. I had a hard time coping up. But what I wasn’t able to answer was there were numerous times I thought Nursing wasn’t for me, that this profession was not my calling. I thought a lot of time dropping out the major and start another one. Then as time came, I graduated in Nursing.

Another tricky question, how do I diffuse about evidence-based practice?

I blocked out. I knew what evidence-based practice is but I just didn’t knew what to answer. I totally forgot what it was. Then I just answered briefly, through practicing in clinical setting. That was it. Then suddenly she asked, did you practice evidence-based practices? I blocked out again and just answered NO!

I thought that was it. I won’t be accepted. I have a slim chance of getting accepted. Anxiety day and night filled me. I am always thinking in advance. What if I won’t pass, what is next?

Then the results of first round came around April 30. My heart raced fast as I open the email and it trembles me a lot.

I PASSED THE FIRST ROUND!

That was the most thrilling part of my life.  I hoped 50% I will pass, another half percent I won’t. But I continuously prayed to God. This has been my target for a year. Because of this, I had a clear vision of what I want for myself in the future. After 6 years after graduating in college, I had another dream.  I have pictured myself for who I want to be and this is want I want to be. And I thanked God, He listened to me.

But then again, I was conflicted for another couple of sleepless nights with anxiety. While waiting for the second round of results which is slated on May 28, I had trouble making up decisions. I asked God for a sign. If my review for my German class won’t start before that date, then this scholarship is for me. A couple of days after May started, there was an update. And the date is set for our language class. It was two days before the result of GKS.

I was deeply conflicted. Was this it Lord? Are you giving me a sign I won’t get the scholarship? I do not want to think negatively but I was really troubled. I look into a lot of considerations. I prayed to God I really want to pass. I am not losing hope. But I said, if whatever the result will be, then God knows what is best for me.

I had a hard time deciding but eventually in the end, I gave up Germany. It wasn’t really for me. I only wanted to go there because the salary offer is high and that I already had an employer. You see, I know my weakness and interviews are my weakness. So I thought, if I would give up this, how possibly I can find another employer who can accept with stammered interview. But this is it, I quit. I thought there are still other opportunities.

This way, I am only focus with one goal at the moment. That is to wait for the second round of results. And I am hoping for a very good news.

To Be Continued….